Aviation Humour & Jokes

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins.

Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed or rotor RPM.

Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers & helicopters -- in that order -- need two."

There are only three things the co-pilot should ever say:
1. Nice landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.
3. I'll take the ugly one.

As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will: (a) One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight (b) one day you will walk out to the aircraft not knowing that it is your last flight.

There are Rules and there are Laws. The Rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. Laws (of Physics) were made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.

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Koos was seated next to a priest on a long international flight.

The hostess came around and took drinks orders to which Koos replied he will have a Rum and coke.

The hostess then turned to the priest and asks if he would like a drink?

He replied in disgust that he would rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch his lips.

Upon hearing this Koos handed his drink back and told the hostess he did not know he had a choice!!!!!

The Balair charter flight home had been a long one. The passengers had got a bit bored over the second half and cockpit visits were taking place.

After a while the crew were getting tired of this, so when the steward asked for "just one more", the captain told him to show the passenger the cockpit himself and then they were going to descend.

As they went through the plates, the crew heard something like, "So this is the captain on the left - the sexual adviser on the right and the flight engineer here behind. Now, these instruments in the middle are.." "excuse me, what did you say the man on the right was?" asked the passenger. "The sexual adviser." answered the steward "Now - these levers here are......" "I am sorry to interrupt again" said the pax but do mean to tell me that you carry a sexual adviser on your crews?"

The steward looked blankly at him. "Well I presumed so!" he answered - "At least, every time he opens his mouth, the captain says 'When I need your Fucking Advice, I'll ask you for it!

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing... but I didn't stop."